


Of bonds, power trips and free will

by hellbells



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Song fic, happyish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-04
Updated: 2012-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-11 10:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellbells/pseuds/hellbells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean had dealt with a lot; he’d dealt with his whole family dying at some point or another. Hell, pun intended, he’d dealt with hell, and being a pet torturer. The whole apocalypse hadn’t managed to break him, bit hearing this thing say his Cas was gone – that just might do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of bonds, power trips and free will

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer I do not own the rights to Supernatural; I only own my twisted imagination! Do not own the song My Kinda Love by Emile Sande either.
> 
>  
> 
> Authors note I’ve never written in this fandom, but once the idea took hold; it wouldn’t leave! This is the result of watching Supernatural season 6 on iTunes and hearing the song. Also Un’beta’d so sorry if there are any mistakes.

During the whole apocalypse there had been something left unsaid. It concerned the nature of the bond between him and Castiel. He loved his brother, no one could doubt it. He’d sold his soul – just to bring him back. Yet between him and Cas, there was a profound bond that went a little deeper than either had acknowledged. Dean loved Cas, but not like a brother, no, not at all. He loved Cas more than he’d ever been able to say out loud.

In his life he’d suffered a lot. If there was an Olympic sport; he’d win Gold without any training. His life would have been all the training he’d ever need. Hell was just another pit stop on the journey. When he’d been dragged from Hell; the only way he’d stayed sane was for Cas to bond with him. It wasn’t something they’d talked about. I mean, what do you say to a guy, who just willingly gave a tenth of himself, just so you wouldn’t be crazy as a cuckoo.

 

_I can't buy your love, don't even wanna try._  
Sometimes the truth won't make you happy, so I'm not gonna lie.  
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you. 

 

It was hard to think about their bond over the thoughts of betrayal. He hadn’t realised just how much the bond had affected him until Bobby and Sam had to point out the obvious. He’d loved the angel, and would willingly do all he could. It was never a question, but to not be willing to see the faults – that was new. He’d never felt that deeply about Lisa, and that was screwing with his emotions, and it was so hard to keep those feelings hidden.

“You and Crowley; you've been going after purgatory together?”

Christ, he sounded like a jilted lover, but that was how he felt. Dean had very few weak spots now: Sam, Cas and Bobby were all that were left. So he was proud that the absolute heartbreak in his voice was at least restrained, but Dean could see into Cas' eyes that he'd felt it. That was the problem with a two-way bond it was a bitch; he just didn’t know whether Cas would manipulate him. It was just adding to the mindfuck, which was just fantastic; he’d almost willingly go on a witch hunt. And didn’t that just say it all?

"I need you to trust me!" To the others it was an empty platitude; to Dean, it was plea soul to grace, and he was sending the plea through the bond. Dean could do nothing but trust Cas’ sincerity. This was his Angel, who'd pulled him out of hell. That had not been enough to gain his loyalty, or love, but it was a debt that he'd like to replay.

 

_I know I'm far from perfect, nothin' like your entourage_  
I can't grant you any wishes, I won't promise you the stars.  
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you. 

 

He watched Raphael explode, and he could admit to feeling a little bit of vindication. Okay, so maybe he didn’t give voice to his thoughts, but internally he was cheering Cas on. He thought that Cas was more than a little justified in his actions. After all, eye for an eye, was a rather old concept.

“So you see I saved you,” Cas sounded far too smug. It made him sound like all the other Angel douchebags. On top of this, Dean winced, feeling Cas’ anger through the bond.

“Sure did Cas, thank you,” Dean apologised. Dean was a big boy, and he’d got it wrong. Now he could admit that he was wrong. Along the bond he sent thoughts asking for forgiveness, but he froze, he was being blocked, and that hurt more than he ever thought possible.

He sure hoped that Cas was still in there. He doubted that he could manage if he lost Cas now. Enough was enough. Forget being the Righteous Man; he was done. You could only sacrifice so much before you broke, and Dean was at his limit.

_Cause when you've given up._  
When no matter what you do it's never good enough.  
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,  
That’s when you feel my kind of love. 

 

Dean was pleading with all that he had. He hated the feelings of vulnerability that he was telegraphing, but in this situation he couldn’t kill the problem. Not while wearing Cas’ body and soul. His voice didn’t break as he pleaded, "There is a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we’re family. If that means anything: I've lost Lisa; I've lost Ben, and I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you."

"You're not my anything, I have no family." Cas all but purred.

 

_And when you're crying out._  
When you fall and then can't pick, you're heavy on the ground  
When the friends you thought you had haven't stuck around.  
That's when you feel my kind of love. 

 

The last sentence rattled around his head. Dean wanted to buckle because this bastard wasn’t playing fair. Outwardly, he was being a cold bastard, but through the bond he was sending so many emotions that Dean was being overloaded. He had never been good at dealing with his emotions, preferring to lock them down.

The others were resisting the urge to bow, but for Dean his instincts were to bow. Not because the arrogant bastard had declared himself but because this was Cas. Cas that had always been there for him, but never acknowledged the love that was between them. The trouble was that Cas was doing it now, oh boy, was he doing it. The torrent of love, and lust was like nothing Dean had ever felt, and damn his needy ass. He was like a man stuck in the desert; thirsting for a drink.

 

_You won't see me at the parties, I guess I'm just no fun._  
I won't be turning up the radio singing "Baby You're The One".  
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you. 

 

They had escaped, but the warning was still rattling around his head; the Cas he knew was dead, but it was wrong, and Dean knew it. The bond still existed, and it was Dean’s lifeline. He would carry on because he was an absolute master at carrying on, whilst he pulled the tatters of himself back together. He’d be strong because he was needed to be so. For Bobby and Sam, he’d go on because Bobby was old, and he was too much like their father for him to die. And Sam? Well, he’d been his brother’s primary caregiver for years, and the boy’s time in the pit had not done him any good.

If at night, when alone, he’d pray to guy he’d previously called an absentee, deadbeat dad for help. Well, that was between himself and the big guy. That was the problem with night time; it allowed for regrets to seep in. The only small consolation was whilst he was angsting over the missed opportunities with Cas; he wasn’t trapped in his own memories of Hell. He would take whatever small victory he could.

 

_I know sometimes I get angry, and I say what i don't mean._  
I know I keep my heart protected, far away from my sleeve.  
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you. 

 

Cas went on a spree, killing those who he felt had trespassed against him, or had followed Raphael. In the case of those followers, mercy was an abstract concept that had not been embraced. At first, he’d despaired. How could he not? He’d heard Bobby’s snarky, “I’m fresh out of god killing sticks.”

Just when he’d given up though, Cas threw a spanner in the works, just like he usually did. Was it wrong of Dean to miss the Cas, who’d gotten him thrown out of a ‘den of iniquity’? At the very least, Dean understood that Angel. Dean had been up the creak without a paddle. It seems that he was something of a hot commodity in Hell. Although, depending on who was asking, depended on what they wanted him for. Alistair wanted his prized pupil back; he felt that he could use all that righteous anger to build himself a beloved lieutenant. The mere thought, made Dean wanna puke. The forces that had coalesced around Lilith’s old lieutenant though, well, they just wanted to torture his soul for eternity.

He was stuck in the middle of a fight, with too many demons. He could feel his clock ticking down. He just had two last thoughts as he continued to fight. One, he was grateful that Sam and Bobby were not here, and the other part, well, he prayed. Not to God, nor any other Archangel, but to Cas. His Cas. The one who had helped him out of the pit; the one who’d glued him together.

And Kiddies miracles happen because before Dean, stood that bastard, who had stolen his heart. It seems, given how warmly the hand print was glowing, his Cas was still in there. Also, he was a possessive son of a bitch. At any other time Dean might have protested, but for now, well, he was content to watch Cas fry the evil sons’ of bitches. He wasn’t going to think too badly about the fact that he hadn’t blinked at the light, or fried to a crisp as a result.

 

_Cause when you've given up._  
When no matter what you do it's never good enough.  
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,  
That’s when you feel my kind of love. 

 

Cas smiled, and it scared Dean because this was his Cas. The only problem was that this power hungry vibe; did not belong to his Cas. “You will love your God.”

He wondered why Murphy was his friend, as Sasquatch managed to reach his side, just in time to see Cave-Cas. There was no doubt, and no room for question, but Dean gave him his cockiest smirk. “I already love Cas.”

Yeah, that’s right, he was having a chick flick moment, and given how much Sam was smirking; the boy was going to hold it over his head forever. The powerful being, looked adorably confused, which sliced through Dean. It reminded him of the Cas, who was being taught about humanity. Whatever feelings he was sending through the bond, were clearly screwing with this Cas’ head.

He couldn’t believe that the plan had worked. No, that wasn’t true. He just couldn’t believe that he’d managed to get this Cas to give up the power – for him. He never thought he’d be worth it. As acts go this was up there.

 

_And when you're crying out._  
When you fall and then can't pick, you're heavy on the ground  
When the friends you thought you had haven't stuck around.  
That's when you feel my kind of love. 

 

Dean wanted to laugh; the irony was most certainly not lost on him. He now had the perfect trifecta; Heaven, Hell and now, Purgatory. Strangely though, he could deal. He’d let the Angel in his lap awaken. They were going to hash out there problems. Christ, he could be the only one that wanted to talk about his feelings, whilst in purgatory.

It was all about priorities, and Dean made a silent vow. When Dean and Cas escaped Purgatory, and they would escape, because Dean refused to contemplate any other scenario; he and Cas were going straight to bed. Unlike many men, he never worried about sexual identity crises, and he wanted Cas. At the moment, even unconscious, Cas was pouring overwhelming love through the bond. Dean’s first instinct, was to deny that he was worthy, but now faced with all the actions that both had done. The answer was so glaringly obvious; if it wasn’t love, then it was something very close. Dean would like nothing more than to just to curl up in Cas’ grace and be embraced by it, but he would only do that once they were free.  
 _Cause when you've given up. When no matter what you do it's never good enough. When you never thought that it could ever get this tough, That’s when you feel my kind of love_

 

He had some unfinished business; it would involve Sammy being elsewhere; just him, Cas and a bed. Nothing would get in his way. He was a Winchester, he could do stubborn, and just once, he was going to be selfish and take something for himself. And if any other human, Angel or Demon got in their way then they were going to get to put down.


End file.
